Wow.  It's been a long time since I posted in this journal.  

In an effort to turn over a new life, I'm closing this journal and starting a new one. 

The new name is zombiesweet.

Maybe I'll see some of you there, maybe not.  Either way, thanks for everything.  A lot of you have been very good to me and have helped me out in ways you can't even imagine.  I wish all of you the best and hope that your children stay happy, safe and warm throughout this holiday season.

Merry early Christmas.

Home, home, home, home, and home.

Long trip from Seattle. Wow. Long trip. Avie was an angel though. Luckily. She's such a good baby.

Lots of pictures from her birthday. Sorry, no presents. Tho' I did get a bunch of yarn to make presents with. So, in theory....

Too tired. Need sleep. Zombie eyes.

Woooarrraagghhhhh!!!!!!!

I am proud of myself. I managed to get the quilt and the sock monkey done in time for Julian's birthday yesterday. With tons of help from Amanda, of course. It felt really good to actually finish a project with semi-decent results. He seemed to like it as well. Now to move on down my list of quilts to make for other people.

My birthday was actually nice this year. It went much better than it usually does. Even with all the fighting and bitching I do, I am much happier and in a much better place than I've ever been before. Sometimes I forget that and need to be reminded. I'm so much more stable than I used to be. Perhaps it's the medication. Perhaps it's the almost three year relationship. I never really considered that I'd ever find myself in this place.

Cyric's dad had a blood clot in his leg. Luckily they found it before it went into his heart. His red and white blood cell count has dropped dramatically since August. They are running all sorts of tests on him to find out what is wrong. Because of this, we're flying out to WA at the end of the month for Avie's birthday and for some "family" time. I'll have a belated party for her the weekend of the 11th? Whichever weekend is after the 5th.

She's asleep on the couch right now, my little toddler. I can't believe she's walking. And dancing. And climbing stairs. She's growing up so quickly.

I should put this birthday down in the books as a crafty one. Tons of craft supplies and fabric. Plus a pirate skeleton dig from my husband which I adore. It feels good to be creative again and to be awake for the sunrise.

We went to the Farmer's Market today and got an organic whole dead chicken. Mmm... real chicken. Plus a thing of chicken livers, fresh good pastry, goat cheese, and another white balloon plant. I ran into Anne and Chuck who wanted to meet Avie. It was good to have a chance to sit and talk with them. Amanda went to the bank and brought mum and I back coffee. It was nice getting out and just being able to sit in the sun and not feel rushed. Well, not feel rushed for five minutes or so until mum decided it was time to leave.

Julian's, Karen's son, birthday is on the 30th, the same as mine. I'm trying to think of things to do for him that don't involve massive amounts of planning, executing, or money. Maybe I'll make him some ascots. She dresses him like a little old man anyway. It's very cute.

I started knitting Avie's blanket. Circular needles are a bitch. There's four more rolls of film that I need to pick up. Plus the batteries for my new camera came today. A camper donated his old SLR to me which was kind of nice. Now I have two old manuals to play with.

I'm exhausted. I wanted to go to the Common Ground Fair this weekend and am still going to try to go, it's just that with everything going on my mother doesn't think it's a good idea and I reluctantly agree with her. She thinks all that I need to be doing is resting which is very impossible with an almost eleven month old who has just learned to walk. She's doing eight or ten steps at a time now, crossing the room. Yes, I'm rambling. I think I'm going to call the ENT on Monday and ask for another appointment to really get his opinion on the sinus matter and perhaps get a reference to a neurologist or an appointment for a brain scan.

My husband has decided that rather than getting a LJ account, he's just going to read over my shoulder as I type. So, hi dear. Now he's pissed at me for typing that, but what else is new. Who's stressed? Definitely not fucking me.

The funny, the good, and the bad.

The other night while nursing Avie decided it was a good idea to try to eat cheerios at the same time. I ended up with one stuck to my nipple and Cyric ended up slapped after he said I was part of a healthy breakfast.

I had my follow-up with the ENT today. My ears are all cleared up.

The bad. The results of the CT scan came back and they found a cyst in my sinus cavity. Hopefully it will go away on it's own. I have another appointment in six months. If, however, I get bad symptoms, they'll need to operate, especially given my history. I'm scared.

Sleeping with my daughter, the smell of her hair next to me and how she rests her hand on my stomach and puts her feet on my thighs and just curls into me when she's nursing to sleep. Her first smile of the morning and the look in her eyes when she wakes up and sees me next to her.

The sound of the September crickets on chilly clear nights when I'm sitting on the steps smoking half a cigarette outside.

The sound of the wind in the pines outside my bedroom window. It always reminds me of the book Heidi, when she goes to visit her uncle? and wakes up to the odd sound that she'd never heard before. I am surrounded by waves both on the shore and in the trees.

The smell and taste of freshly baked bread.

Animals in the wild. The robin with the late chick. The hummingbird that I can pet. The four cats that wander around my house. The spring frogs in the road after the rain. The crows that visit my yard. The belated seagull walking up the Beach road.

The smell of Fire & Ice perfume - I love vanilla and musk mixed together.

Driving with my music playing.

My daughter's feet. Photography. Baking, coffee, chocolate, and hot showers. Organizing and getting things done. Traveling and people watching. Reading and shopping.

Washing dishes. Packing. The feeling you get after you have a bad headache and you have to lie there and just concentrate on making it go away. Carmena Burana.

Receiving letters. Being right. Breastfeeding. Drinking water. The feel of freshly shaved skin, shorn hair.

The invention of the electric toothbrush so that I can read while brushing my teeth.

Looking through old photo albums. Balancing my checkbook. New books of stamps.

Cyric is down at the bathrooms doing the nightly check. Avie is walking around the coffee table, going after my knitting needles (moved to safety) and discovering all the paper in the wastebasket. We were watching 300 with the subtitles on, of course, since the ear infections have reduced my hearing to half of what is was before when it wasn't actually that great to begin with. I can't hear anything out of my right ear now and haven't heard back from the doctor re: a specialist. On both of my ears there was an inner and outer infection.

cyric's parents want us to use a credit card to buy our tickets to fly out there in November and they'll reimburse us. Problem is, we don't own a credit card and I don't particularly want one knowing our spending habits. But I guess that's part of being a responsible adult. His father wants us to start building up frequent flyer miles.

I'm very tired but when I sleep I have nothing but work dreams and nightmares. Plus I feel guilty about sleeping. I feel guilty about everything these days.

I dyed my hair back to brown.

Avie will be walking any day now. Tonight she took a couple of steps without holding on, going from the couch to me. She likes to nurse while standing now. Karen came over with Julian. He's so cute. They babbled at each other. It was one of the only times she's ever been exposed to another baby. Of course, she beat him up and made him cry. I have to work on the whole "gentle" thing.

I wish I could have one day to myself and be treated how I want to be treated, like the goddess I used to be. Or even like a person. Not an old crone. But as my mother says, it's up to my daughter now. My time is over.

Avie had her nine month check-up yesterday. She's a chunky monkey at 21 pounds, and tall for her age at 29 inches. The doctor we see is moving away which is unfortunate because of how wonderful she is. She's completely supportive of my breastfeeding still almost exclusively, co-sleeping, and pretty much all we're doing. She says we're doing everything right. Well, we need to give her more naked time. But that's about it.

On the bad side, I still can't hear out of my right ear. If it doesn't clear up soon, I'm going back in for them to drain them and get a reference to have my hearing tested. I don't know if it's just the nursing or if it's the fact that I've been sick, but I'm eating like a horse and still managed to lose five pounds in a week. I need to get outside and get more exercise in.

Cyric's parents got us a webcam so that they can see Avie. We're going out to Washington the end of October until the 8th or so of November, for her first birthday. I need to make a list of what to bring and what we want them to have in the house for us while we're there. Do any of you have suggestions on what are good gifts for a year old?

For my birthday we're planning at trip to NH so I can catch up with a couple of friends. Hopefully we'll make it into Boston and go to the Science Museum. Cy would love that. We're going to try to take Avie to some of the local country fairs this fall. I want to get her interested in animals and do things as a family. This Sunday is the birthday party sponsored by the hospital for all the babies born this past year. We're going to try to go. Also try to hit the Lobster Lane Bookstore tomorrow because it is Amanda's last weekend here. I don't know what we're going to do without her.

Cy is applying to take some college courses. He's taking web design and was going to take computer graphics. This is a good thing. He wants to eventually work on designing computer games. A good mix of his art and his love of computers, in my opinion.

We think the neighbors have moved away and left one of their dogs behind. It has been done in the campground daily and is starving for attention. We called the dog catcher and have it tied outside now. We can't bring it inside because it is covered in fleas and can't offer to adopt it because of family politics but it just disgusts me to see people treat an animal that way. It's a sweet dog too, just wants to be loved and to play with rocks.

ask me a question about each of the following topics, no matter how rude, sexual, or confidential:

1. friends
2. family
3. sex
4. music
5. drugs
6. love
7. livejournal
8. anything else you've ever wondered and wanted to ask

Avie has officially become mobile. She creeps on her belly from one spot to another, usually pushing off with just one toe. She can chase me all around our very tiny house and find me when I go into the kitchen. It's time that we stop postponing babyproofing, or at least get our act together and remove the heavy things from the middle shelves of our shelving units. Err, I'm too tired to be able to type coherently and am lucky that LJ has a spell checker to catch all of my severe errors.

So tired. Aftermath. Nothing really going on except for the constant nagging feeling of guilt that I should be doing more. Broke as usual. Four hundred dollars for Cy's brakes today and another four hundred twenty for the rest of the car repairs soon. In the office as much as I can be and yet it isn't enough. I should be accomplishing more, much more, but I can hardly keep my eyes open. Dizzy spells.

Mabel's party is the weekend after next. Have to go join my husband now. Maybe.

Goodnight. Maybe pictures soon. Lots of ones of Avie swimming with Cy and Amanda. Me looking bad in a bikini top. Avie with sand all over her face.

I guess I really haven't felt like communicating.

My grandmother passed away on the 6th. We're not doing a traditional funeral. We had her cremated and Cyric and I picked up her ashes on Friday. We scattering them in the fall. June 29th we're holding a celebration of her life/ninetieth birthday party for her. We're also making a memorial garden.

I'm helping my mother clean out her house, put all her papers away, and deal with the paperwork. It might get a bit ugly with the taking care of the estate. I'm being the backbone.

I found boxes of pictures of her and my mother that my grandfather had taken. They are beautiful. I want to preserve them.

Avie's tooth has come through and she's working on another. I have a bazillion of pictures to post. She's scooting around now on her belly. She's held up remarkably well.

I just. I don't have time to grieve at the moment. I don't have any time for myself. It's always one thing or another. But I guess that's part of being an adult.

The campground was started by my grandmother and grandfather in 1969. One of the first people to come camping here were John and Carol. Carol's husband passed away this winter. The day of his funeral was the day after my grandmother had the stroke. One of the seasonals had to call and tell her. She came up the next morning to be with her in the hospital.

Most everyone who comes here to camp knew my grandmother, loved my grandmother. She was constantly surrounded by campers who saw her every summer. Almost forty years of business here. So everyone who comes through the door asks for her. And I have to tell them the story over and over again. And listen to their memories of her. And their stories of how their parents/children/partners/loved ones died.

My mother and sister have been spending most of their time at the hospital with her. She's unresponsive. We thought she was going last night but her breathing stabilized. They think she's holding out for the Fourth. I have to stay here and run the campground. Thank god for Cyric and Amanda.

I have to stay strong. I almost lost it today. The campground office is connected to her house and whenever I look to my left I see the chair in which she sat for the last time. I'm surrounded by her.

It's so hard. I'm better than I was, but... I don't want to be tough, I don't want to be strong, I want to mourn. And I can't right now. I can hardly bear to hold my daughter because one of the last things my grandmother did was play with her. Plus I don't have the time to. We had twenty + units come in the day after it happened.

I complain too much. But everything is connected. I need to write, scream, paint. And it's not over yet.

My grandmother had a massive hemorraghic stroke last night.

She's in the hospital with extreme brain damage. They are giving her morphine. She's non-responsive.

I'm running the campground.

Her breathing is slowing.

I don't want to be strong anymore. Please.

For the summary and the sake of short windedness:

Cyric's parents were here for almost the entirety of the past two weeks. They are gone now, to do the rest of their roadtrip and wind their way from ME back to WA.

Amanda has been working here for the summer. She's doing an awesome job. Unfortunately, she talked us into playing D&D miniatures and now I have an insane urge to become a DM. We had to hit EBay for D&D books.

Avie's first tooth came in yesterday. The top of it is just poking through her gums on the bottom of her mouth. She has several more that look like they are about to pop through as well. Poor thing. While down at my mother's house today, she got so excited to be banging on a pot with a spoon that she fell over suddenly and bonked her head on the floor. She now has a goose egg on her forehead. The teething plus that do not make a happy girl.

The campground will start getting busy next week. In honor of that and the rude man who refused to deal with me today, I made myself a name tag with the position of office manager.

Some campers want to see my portfolio. I spend a good few hours this evening printing out photographs. I have more portraits than I thought. I still need subjects though.

I have a ton of new Avie pics. Hopefully I'll get a chance to post them soon.

Amanda has arrived for the summer which will end up being a very good thing for all parties concerned. having her here and being able to count on her to do some of the specific campground duties will take a lot of weight off my shoulders. I gave her the campground lecture last night and prepped her on how to take care of the office in case anything untoward should happen.

I took Karen grocery shopping yesterday. It's ridiculous that she's paying over twenty dollars for a cab just to get into town for groceries. Plus if I driver her it gives us a chance to hang out and for Avie to see Julian. They were babbling back and forth in their car seats for the majority of the time while we were out. He's real cute and getting more smiles every day. He's a happy, if big, baby. She's going to attempt to make herself a MaiTai out of some upholstery canvas. She really likes mine. Aviendha fell asleep while I was shopping which was a bit funny because her head was on my arm so I couldn't really move it to pick up anything. Err.. run on sentence, much?

I'm also going to attempt to give Karen a ride to her doctor's. She pays $60 a visit for that for the cab. That's so ridiculous. Especially with her baby and trying to get her business back running.

I fought with the creditors on Friday and settled for paying half of my old telephone bill. I refused to pay them over the phone, give them my bank account number, and to give them any money until I had a copy of the settlement agreement. Then I called the bank and notified them of what I was doing in case any charges went through that I didn't authorize.

It's off to see the dentist this morning. I hate going to the dentist. I know it's going to be bad news as well. I can't afford to have any fancy procedures done so they can just shove it if they feel the need to recommend anything. It's enough that I manage to go twice a year.

Coffee and then a quick emergency floss. Then to get everyone ready. Me time, o' where have you gone?

Woo! New computer is here! Not sure about Windows Vista though. We'll see.

My computer died last night. Probably the power source. I turned in on and it started smelling like burning electricity and then shut off. So...yeah..
I'm using Cyric's temporarily. He... er... well... ordered me a new one from Dell with the last of our tax refund money. So, yay, new 'puter for me!

I'm going to need some help trying to get everything off the old one though. Kyle, any ideas?

Jegn, visit this coming weekend or next? anagraphatmidcoastdotcom is how to get a hold of me.

Damn, Avie loves her oatmeal and breastmilk. It's so cute. I have movies.

I'm still here. It's been a crazy couple of weeks. The storms we've had this spring did a lot of damage to the campground. We lost about four feet of land due to erosion. There was tons of rocks covering the waterfront sites which we had to rake out by hand. Plus all the general raking and groundswork that needs to be done in the spring. On every nice day we've been outside working. There's still so much more to be done. The campground opens for the season in two weeks. We won't be very busy until July, but still. We also have a ton of work to do around our house, including convincing grass to grow.

Aviendha will be six months in three days. I'll have to do a big picture post then.